Need a little guidance from the dads who've raised girls who conflicted with mothers. My 5yo foster and my wife get along fine most of the time. But periodically, mostly at bedtime, they start conflicting. My wife, for whatever reason, demands immediate compliance. The 5 year old ain't giving it. Conflict. I end up always having to intervene and handle the situation. Usually making me the bad guy to both. It's not every night, but more than I'd like.

For about 2 months, I handled bedtime every time. It seemed to calm the situation. Tonight I was busy and just like that, I'm the bad guy again. It's exhausting. And frankly not necessary in my opinion.

My wife is of the age we SHOULD be MAYBE grandparents, not parents. But it is what it is. We love her and are committed to giving her the best home we can. I think much of the problem is my wifes resentment towards her sister, who she views as the cause of the entire situation, and I cannot blame her. It's true. But She has a degree in child education, raised my son and taught literally thousands of kids without these issues. It's just this child and this moment. She's a good girl but completely different than my 25 year old son. My wife doesn't seem to be able to adapt.

I've currently banned my wife from bedtime. Period. I handle bath and bedtime from now on, no matter what. I seem to be able to be creative in getting it done with little conflict and no fighting. But I'd like a little guidance on how you guys handled the situation to maybe salvage some heartache from the entire situation. I also work a lot and don't always have the energy for this, but it is what it is. Something has to be done and I'm it. I'd be glad to hear creative ways to handle the situation. Especially if it's mutually beneficial to both my wife and my girl.

No advice as my wife and daughter always got along fine, but I do commend you and your wife for trying to provide the best home possible to a child who obviously needs the guidance. Patience and prayers is all I can advise and offer.

Tuning in with hopeful expectation here…

There appears to be a “special dynamic” between mother and daughter that we as men can’t understand. I’ve heard this from others as well. I don’t know what to tell you. Mine seem to go through spells of explosion, then all of a sudden I’m the bad guy and they are united.

With a foster, I’m sure even more complex. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight.

I would advise you to not handle “bath time” and be cautious about handling “bed time”. Not being accusatory BUT I’ve represented several individuals who were accused of “touching” and worse…With this being a foster child I would let the wife take care of it come hell or high water.

FFP, I'm not in your house to judge feller. Thank you for what you are doing. I'm 58 and the wife is 56 and we've raised our grandson for almost the last 9 years. He's 11.5 yo. I feel you for being a "parent" long past what most do. But when you said "5 yo", that child needs stability or consistence no matter what. How long have y'all been together? If not long, it may need some adjustment time. She's probably developed some built-in defense mechanisms for protection. Don't underestimate her age. We got our grandson at 2.5 yo. He portrayed some fears of a highchair (we think it was his form of a baby-sitter being strapped in too much) and he still falls back into what made him secure with us at that early age.

I've raised 2 and there totally different...u just gotta be smart enough to figure out how to handle em on your own...I know this helps a lot 🙂

I beat my younger daughter to the point I felt really bad but she never caved lol

Well I think this is a prime example of why it takes a man and a woman to make things work. Just do what works for you and your family. There is no set in stone answer because everyone is different even kids.

I dont know about no girl..but daddy beat the brakes off me an my brother..you dont give no lip if you know its just gonna got busted.

Very reason I don't young girls hunting alone.

I have 3 girls and bath and bed time are an issue here as well. There is a bunch of mumbo jumbo about kids clocks and Rythm being different that you can read but I can tell you what works for me.

We have an established bed time and a schedule they keep or suffer the grounding that ensues. Bed time is 9pm for mine period no exceptions. Quite/wind down time i.e. no more TV, phone, etc. is one hour before bed time. They can spend 45 mins of this time reading or playing a game what ever. Cloths for the next day are to be laid out, baths had, prior to 8pm period no exceptions. Getting baths earlier seems to help and avoid the last minute rush that the fights often ensue from. We do homework starting at 4 start dinner at about 6-6:30 and baths are done while we cook, hair dried etc. I flip a coin for who goes first as my two oldest always want to drag around. 8:45 is teeth brushed and in bed, tuck in and lights out at 9 sharp.

We had to be firm but having a set schedule clearly conveying expectations and standing by them with consistent consequences really helps. That and starting early to avoid getting behind the curve and the last minute rush. It takes time and energy but after a couple of weeks it becomes routine and helps.

This along with posting grades on the refrigerator every Thursday is two of the best things we have done for keeping things working for us. We have an 85 and higher grade limit. If you are below the cut off you are grounded, no phone, no friends over, no grandparent spend the nights until your average in every class is above 85. Most schools do power school so you can pull grades any time posting on
The fridge makes it clear to everyone where they stand.

I am sure some will think this is harsh but so be it the world is cruel and harsh and despite all the snow flake bull shucks we have to teach them to be responsible for themselves and their own actions. Granted all this takes time and our girls know they can get all the homework and study help they need by asking so it takes effort on our part as well. My oldest was struggling last semester due to missing a bunch of class for sickness and theatre so the last two weeks of the semester We literally checked every math and English problem on homework and take home test and made her work and rework them. She ended up with 3 89’s but missed 25 classes( 7 periods per day so about 4 days total) so it worked but it was work for both her and us.

Also Lonster is giving you solid advice. I Watched a cousin get drug through the mud when his 14 year old step daughter that he raised from 2 years old started acting out. She told some lies ultimately they both had to have a polygraph she failed hers he passed ended in divorce and ultimately the step daughter lost but still bad for all involved.

It’s awful to think about but try to think defensively and how things might go bad all it takes is one mad parent or boyfriend whispering in their ear and you have lost before you even get started. All the time money and energy you have sacrificed will mean nothing against her word.

We've raised 5 kids. Not all successfully. Remember all children are different so any advice anyone gives you must be cultivated to suit your own particular situation and the dynamics of the personalities involved. So here goes anyway...

All people thrive on consistency. Children are just little people. So my recommendation to you and your wife is consistency. You two and the little person develop a routine every night that involves a few steps that lead to bed time, such as a nightly ritual of maybe, bath, teeth brushing, brushing hair, reading a book, telling a story, singing a little song, etc... This gives the little one something to look forward to and prepares her mentally for the going to bed and going to sleep part.

I agree with shotts and irishguy as that’s about the same way as we run our household. One thing I might add though is you and your wife should be seen as a team. My kids understand that me and their mother will almost always be on the same side. Using the bath for example. I punish for fighting with their mother not for whatever lead to the argument. It took time but sooner or later they come to know what’s expected of them.

Tough spot you're in fatty, but it sounds like your doing pretty good. If what you're doing now is bringing peace to the situation just keep on with it. Maybe your wife and daughter are paying more attention than you know.

Not trying to be negative, but just wait to she gets to be a teenager. Lol. Wow.

Pretty much sums it up. Mine almost 16 now and the bath and bedtime fights seem to be behind us but there are still some challenging times. Prayers for you.

I would leave for a few nights and tell them they need to figure it out. Seriously, I love that you want to be the answer but not sure you can be the answer. For reasons stated above if she is not your biological daughter I would be careful.

Little girls are the sweetest or the most stubborn creatures on earth. Finally at 11 mine does not fight quite everything that's asked of her. She for the most part refused to stay at her moms house for the past 10 yrs basically, now this yr she is excited to go and brother refuses to go so maybe they are just getting older and enjoy being around the same gender parent as they age.

Good advice on here!
I second:
1. Set a routine.
2. You and your wife must present a "united front" and you should have a long talk so you both are on the same page, won't turn out well if one is "half-hearted".
3. Lonster mentioned "what I was thinking" when you stated that you will be alone with a 5 year old adopted girl for all baths.
4. Lot of work at any age but critical for your daughter's development and adjustment to a new and stressful situation.
5. Getting her involved with other kids or activities also helps her development.

Best thing is you have stepped up and put her needs ahead of your own and she is with family. Prayers for you.
.

I admire you for what you are doing. I raised 2 girls and have 3 grand daughters
. You have been given a lot of good advice but what stuck out to me is you brought out your wifes resentment i think you are going to have to sit down with her and have a heart to heart and deal with it

I have no advice because both of my kids are young, but I can’t fathom giving them baths every night. I know a lot of people do it, but goodness that’s exhausting. We bathe every few days and my wife does it during the day a lot of the time.

This is why I said I would leave and let them work it out. I really meant the wife needs to work it out. She is an adult and needs to act like one for the sake of the child and her husband in my opinion. I have been in a spot where dealing with the kids was too tough for a wife so I wanted to be the answer, it was exhausting but I did it cause if I did not no one else would.

Tough situation you are in. Do the best you can and be proud of your effort no matter how it works out.