My son stepped in between me and the TV. When I was a kid and someone did that, my dad would say "You'd make a better door than a window." When I said that to him, he didn't get it. But I like old sayings like that. The best one was when we were kids and stayed with my grand mother. If I was in trouble, she would say "Boy I'm fixing to cloud up and rain on you!"

Anyone else have some good ones?

I'm Goin to stomp a mud hole in you butt and walk it dry!!!! Cleaned up for aldeer. My dad had a ton of them but can't post them up. Lol.

Keep your nose clean and don't take any wooden nickels.

That's like making a right turn in a nascar race, it just ain't right.

I just thought of another one. I was listening to a young country boy on an interview. He said yes sir and no sir to the interviewer who the said you don't have to call me sir. The young man said " Oh yes sir, my momma would paint my back porch red if I don't mind my manners!" I laughed for ten minutes after that.

When asked "how're you doing?"...

1) If I was any better, I'd pay $5 for an ass-whoopin'.
2) I've been better, but it costs more.
3) I'm fine as frog hair split 3 ways.
4) I don't remember the last time I was this good and still had all my clothes on.

"He's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine."

"Last summer, it was so hot that all the corn in the fields started popping. When the cows saw it, they thought it was snow, and froze to death."

"Well...so much for XXXX..." has to be my all-time favorite saying. It can be used almost anywhere, and adapted for almost any situation when delivered at exactly the right moment in exactly the appropriate tone, usually a deadpan. When correctly applied, it immediately announces your triumph over a situation to the world, regardless of what the situation is or how it turned out. It is, in essence, the perfect recovery from anything.

"Well, so much for scuba diving."
"Well, so much for mountain climbing."
"Well, so much for flying lessons."
"Well, so much for seven-X leaders."
"Well, so much for sex."
"Well, so much for shooting rapids."
"Well, so much for sex while shooting rapids."

"Useless as tits on a bull" jumps out.. My grandpa has some good ones too. I went by his house and asked how we was feeling and he says "boy, I feel I been shot at and missed and then chit at and hit!" Another good one is when he's talking about fags.. He'll say "now, you might find me in the Bush's but you'll never see me swinging from a limb!"

Hogs.. You can eat them from the rooter to the pooter!!

Do the best you can and let the rough end drag.
Thanks to your better paid.

Whenever I didn't have the proper supplies or tools for a project my father was fond of saying, "Son you can't make chicken salad out of chicken s##t, you got have to have some meat."

Whenever a bad looking storm was blowing up A buddy of mine used to say, "Looks like it's going to come a little clear up shower,... clear up to your ass."

That's as messed up as a soup sandwich.

Laid out like a weeks wash.

That gal is as ugly as a mud fence. Old boy is as dumb as a box of rocks.....

" Feel like I've been eat by a coyote and chitt of a cliff"

When asking "who" when listening to a conversation I shouldn't have--"Yo foot don't fit no limb."

That girl is uglier than fartin' in church.

When i got to asking dad "If" questions,"Boy, if frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their azz all the time"

When anybody stood in front of the TV. "Your daddy ain't no glass blower"

When I asked uncle any question, "Whatsittooya!" all run together into one word.

When I asked dad what was in a package he was carrying, "It's a layover to catch meddlers"

...ugly as a box full of a$$holes.

...dead as a hammer.

...dumb as a stump.