Funny one from Larry the Cable Guy:
Happier than Gomer Pyle with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes.

Harder than woodpecker lips.

Chit fire and save matches!

Does a bear $*!+ in the woods?
If that don't light your fire, your woods wet!
Do fries come with that shake?
Look at the swing on that backporch.

Uglier than a sack full of arseholes

Does a cat have climbing gear? In response to an obvious yes question.

Looks like a goat's a$$hole sewed up with a grapevine.

We down to the short rows
Does a fat baby fart?
Went to shat and the hogs ate him.
If? If a frog had pockets, he would tote a pistol to shoot snakes with.
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his arse.
If I tell you a cricket can pull a freight train, hitch him up and watch him pull.

A trucker buddy of mine always says, we gonna ease down through here like a cat on silk.

When referring to a pretty woman: "I'd stand on my head and gargle peanut butter just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie!"

Busier than a one-eyed cat watchin' three rat holes

Chit, I mean!

Let's make like a baby and head out.

And we're off like a hot herd of horny turtles

If I tell you a rooster dips snuff,look under his wing,you'll find a can !

Don't buy a pig in a poke.

I remember my grandad asked me to help him carry in a poke of groceries when I was about 6. I had no idea what he was talking about.

Now when we're walking in the woods I want you to be as quite as a mouse pissing on cotton.

Your welding job looks like a bobcats a@# sewed up with a saw briar

You better strighten up and fly right or I'll adjust you attitude control

I've whipped asses tougher than yours just to get tickets to a good fight.

"the whole nine yards" refers to a Vickers machine gun belt in WW1 that was 27' long.

" Stepped over bigger men than you lookin for a Fight "

if I tell you a grasshopper will plow don't ask me any questions, hitch him up

reffering to a woman with sagging breast.

one too many litters turned them pointers into sitters.

One of my Dad's favorites it has made me mad and made me laugh. When something is going terribly wrong he will say "Skin it back and hold it tight everything gonna be alright." He knows exactly when to use it to make you fighting mad or make you laugh during a tough time.