That mosquito is so big he could stand flat footed and rape a chicken.

" well , I'll swan"
"dad blame"
"so black, when he farts, soot comes out"
" I'm so hungry, ever time I swaller my ass says thank ye."

I've been to two county fairs, a goat roping and a cock fight and I aint never seen nothing like this....

It's hotter than a boiled owl.
If you are gonna be stupid you better be tough.
That's harder than a brick bat.

"That boys two bricks shy of a load."

Slicker than owl s_it on a okra plate
Stomach so messed up I could s_it through a screen door
Drunk as cooter brown
Drunk as a bicycle

you'd bitch if your nuts were caught in a gold vise....

He's as tight as the bark on a tree. (won't spend money)
He would make a cup of coffee nervous.
Is you for me, or is you ain't?

It's hotter than a set of jumper cables at a colored funeral.
It rained so much it washed the dogs out from under the porch.
If that boy lost one IQ point you'd have to water him to keep him alive.
That boy's sorrier than gulley dirt.

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

Winner! I actually LOL on that one. I think Shaw speaks from experience.

When my granddad would see something he didn't like (like some commercials on TV), he would say, "That makes my butt want to chew chewing gum."

Had a baseball coach who's favorite saying when someone made an error or swung at a bad pitch, "Well I'll be a suckass mule."

a fly in the buttermilk

You can't push a rope
Gotta see a man about a dog
Been rode hard and put up wet
They don't have a pot to piss in
That's like pulling hens teeth
The only difference between you and a bag of #%&@..is the bag
I've gotta pee like a rushing race horse
Barking up the wrong tree
Either fish or cut bait
That dog will hunt
Quit sitting there like a bump on a log (or a bump on a pickle, as my grandmother used to say)
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper sack

Hotter than a double pecker rooster in a hen house