NOT!

But actually I do need a cat. I'm overrun with chipmunks. This has been going on for some time. So even though I don't like cats, I need to get an outdoor cat. I don't want to pet him or talk to him or really have anything at all to do with him. I want to take it to the vet and have it fixed and then I want to feed it just enough to keep it around and have it leave me dead chipmunk pieces on my doorstep.

How should I go about making this happen? How much do you have to feed one to keep it around? I want it hungry so it will hunt. Also, I don't really want it killing my songbirds but I guess a few of them may have to be sacrificed. If it's a male and I have it fixed will he still walk around spraying everything to mark his territory? Cat piss is one of the worst smelling things I know of, especially in some old lady's house that has about 50 of them. If it's fixed will it still care about hunting? It has to be fixed 'cause I'm not about to create a feral cat population that likes to hang out at my house. I know some of y'all have barn cats and stuff. Do they earn their keep or just lay around all the time? Will my plan for chipmunk suppression/eradication work or am I just dreaming?