Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Lmao!!!

Little Johnny was on the school playground when he got in a shouting match will another kid on who's Daddy could eat the most. Johnny' s friend said that his daddy once ate two whole fried chickens and a pan of cornbread. Little Johnny replied, " hell that ain't nothing!" " Just last night when I walked by my momma's and daddy's bedroom I heard my daddy tell my mother, momma pull down that Venetian blind I'm about to eat that thing."

Cricket...

Corn

Dang had to go to work this morn....

Sleep monster got me early--Brent do any damage to the constituency?

BITE!

[video:youtube]https://youtu.be/E-ZHyo-cHJw[/video]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.”

“And You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

This reminds me of a friend of mine that I worked out with. On days his schedule didnt allow him to get to our gym he would hit the one by his office during lunch. If was a larger planet fitness type place and evidently a bit of a social club for retired old men.

He was extremely homophobic and there were always 60-80YO men there in the locker room. At that age they have no cares so they regularly roamed around the locker and shower room nude and just hang out. It creeped him out seeing all the wrinkly balls everywhere. The last straw was when he was sitting on a bench putting his shoes on and one walked up to him and propped his foot up on the bench while facing him trying to have a conversation. He was scared for life and couldnt go back.

I imagine it looked like a newborn bird hatching or something.

As far as I know, everyone made the cut last night. No losses.

Just got my Direct TV bill. The charged us for 20 porn movies that somehow we watched simultaneously the night of the 18th!! WTH??? They did take them off my bill, but how in the hell did that happen? I make my own I don't rent them....