A confident man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a gorgeous woman. After a quick glance at her, he casually checks his watch.

Curious, the woman asks, "Waiting on someone?"

"No," he replies smoothly. "I just got this high-tech watch, and I'm testing it out."

Intrigued, she asks, "Oh? What's so special about it?"

He grins. "It uses alpha waves to send me telepathic messages."

"Oh really? And what's it telling you right now?" she teases.

He smirks. "It says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman bursts out laughing. "Well, your fancy watch must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

The man shakes his head and sighs. "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?




Snap On Tools!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' With a big smile, the woman replies, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

LMAO....

Wife says, "I bought a wireless bra today, what do you think?"
Me: "What's the password?"

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
''They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any
of that shit in Alabama."

Johnny tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in it's ear & it didn't move" says Johnny.

"You did what? screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Johnny, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?


You look for da fresh prince.

Whaddaya call a lesbian on fire???

LGBBQ

I recently spent $6500 on a registered black angus bull.
Put him in pasture with all the cows, but all he would do was
Eat grass an wouldn t even look at a cow,
I was beginning to think I paid more than he was worth,
Anyway call the vet come check him out ,
He said” bull was very healthy , possibly kinda young “,
So he gave me some pills to give him once every day ,
Dang , he started banging all the cows !!I just two days ,
All of them , even jumpy the fence serviced neighbor cows,
He was like a machine,
I don’t know what’s in the pills the vet gave him ,
But they kinda taste like peppermint!!

When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? When his right hand caught on fire.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
She sat on Pinocchio’s face and said, “Lie to me. Lie to me.”

A midget walks into a bar…

I bet that hurt

Does a crowded elevator smell different to a midget?

Why did the blond woman slap the midget?

He told her her hair smelled good.

Before paddy goes to war he fits a chastity belt
On his beloved wife,
He locks it an give the key to his best friend fergus,
“If I’m not back in 4 years open an enjoy”,
Hops on his horse an hits the road,
Half hr later he notices a dust cloud behind him,
He stops an sees it Fergus,”what’s wrong “
He asks fergus?”
Out of breath fergus answers” ITS THE WRONG KEY!!!!

I was sitting on a bus behind a young mother an her son
Her boy kept looking around an making funny faces at me
After few minutes I got tired of his antics so I said
“When I was young my mother told me if I made ugly faces
An the wind changes, I stay that way”
Little shit replied “ well you can’t say you wasn’t warned”!!

10 fun facts
1. You can’t see your ears without a mirror
2. You can’t count your hair
3. You can’t breathe thru nose with ur tongue out
4. You just tried number 3
6. When you did no. 3 you realized it’s possible,
Only you looked like a dog
7. Your smiling right now, because you was fooled
8. You skipped . 5
9. You checked to see if there was a number 5
10. Share this with friends so they can have some fun also
HAVE A NICE DAY