Aldeer.com Forums Alabama Deer Talk Aldeer General Forum I need a joke thread...

My 9 year olds current favorite joke to tell

What's Brown and Sticky?




A stick.

A blind man walks into a lumber yard looking for a job.

The owner says he has a position open for a lumber inspector but he isn't sure if the blind guy is right for the job.

The blind guy say just give me a chance and I won't let you down.

The owner tells his helper to go get a piece of wood.

The lay it on the table and tell the blind guy to tell them about it.

The blind guy rubs on it and smells it and says, that's cherry. It's good for cabinets and ornamental items.

The owner is impressed but tells his helper to go get one more piece of wood.

The guy comes back and lays the new piece of wood on the table.

The blind guy rubs it and smells it and says, that's white oak. It's very hard and is good for flooring and such.

The owner is shocked and impressed but ask the guy to get his secretary.

She comes in and lays on the table.

The blind guy rubs and smells this and says, can you please turn this one over.

The turn her over and he rubs and smells the other side.

He then says, this may cost me the job but I think this is a door on the shitter of a shrimp boat.

I met an old man McGregor in Scotland. We got to walking around the little town of about 500 and he begins to start pointing out all the contributions he made to the city.

�You see that bridge over there boy? I built it with me on two hands. You would think they would call me McGregor the bridge builder but nooooo....

We went by a little further down the road and he goes on again:
�You see that stone wall over there? Me and me son built it in three days! You would think they would call me McGregor the stone mason, but nooooo....

The next house we came up to he started again, but I cut him off and asked:


�What�s the deal with you getting all upset about your title? I�m sure everytbody thinks you�re a good guy�

He looks over madder than hell and says


�But you hump one lousy goat!�

BOB HILL AND HIS NEW WIFE BETTY WERE VACATIONING IN EUROPE...AS IT HAPPENS, NEAR TRANSYLVANIA . THEY WERE DRIVING IN A RENTAL CAR ALONG A RATHER DESERTED HIGHWAY. IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT AND RAINING VERY HARD WITH THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. BOB COULD BARELY SEE THE ROAD IN FRONT OF THE CAR. SUDDENLY THE CAR SKIDS OUT OF CONTROL! BOB ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL THE CAR, BUT TO NO AVAIL THE CAR SWERVES AND SMASHES INTO A TREE.

MOMENTS LATER, BOB SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR THE FOG.
DAZED, HE LOOKS OVER AT THE PASSENGER SEAT AND SEES HIS WIFE UNCONSCIOUS, WITH HER HEAD BLEEDING! DESPITE THE RAIN AND UNFAMILIAR COUNTRYSIDE, BOB KNOWS HE HAS TO GET HER MEDICAL ASSISTANCE. BOB CAREFULLY PICKS HIS WIFE UP AND BEGINS TRUDGING DOWN THE ROAD. AFTER A SHORT WHILE, HE SEES A LIGHT. HE HEADS TOWARDS THE LIGHT, WHICH IS COMING FROM A LARGE, OLD HOUSE.

HE APPROACHES THE DOOR AND KNOCKS. A MINUTE PASSES AND A SMALL, HUNCHED OLD MAN OPENS THE DOOR. BOB IMMEDIATELY BLURTS, "HELLO, MY NAME IS BOB HILL, AND THIS IS MY WIFE BETTY. WE'VE BEEN IN A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT, AND MY WIFE HAS BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT. CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR PHONE?"

�I�M SORRY,� REPLIED THE HUNCHBACK, �BUT WE DO NOT HAVE A PHONE. BUT MY MASTER IS A DOCTOR� COME IN AND I WILL GET HIM!� BOB BRINGS IN HIS WIFE AS AN OLDER MAN COME DOWNS THE STAIRS. �I AM AFAID MY ASSISTANT MAY HAVE MISLEAD YOU. I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR� I AM A SCIENTIST. HOWEVER IT IS MANY MILES TO THE NEAREST CLINIC AND I HAVE BASIC MEDICAL TRAINING. I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

IGOR, BRING THEM DOWN TO THE LABORATORY." WITH THAT, IGOR PICKS UP BETTY AND CARRIES HER DOWNSTAIRS, WITH BOB FOLLOWING CLOSELY.. IGOR PLACES BETTY ON A TABLE IN THE LAB. BOB COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION AND HIS OWN INJURIES, SO IGOR PLACES BOB ON AN ADJOINING TABLE. AFTER A BRIEF EXAMINATION, IGOR'S MASTER LOOKS WORRIED. "THINGS ARE SERIOUS, IGOR. PREPARE A TRANSFUSION." IGOR AND HIS MASTER WORK FEVERISHLY, BUT TO NO AVAIL AND BOB AND BETTY HILL BOTH PASSED AWAY.

HE HILLS' DEATHS UPSET IGOR'S MASTER GREATLY. WEARILY, HE CLIMBS THE STEPS TO HIS CONSERVATORY, WHICH HOUSES HIS GRAND PIANO. FOR IT IS HERE THAT HE HAS ALWAYS FOUND SOLACE. HE BEGINS TO PLAY, AND A STIRRING, ALMOST HAUNTING MELODY FILLS THE HOUSE. MEANWHILE, IGOR IS STILL IN THE LAB TIDYING UP. HIS EYES CATCH MOVEMENT AND HE NOTICES THE FINGERS ON BETTY'S HAND TWITCH, KEEPING TIME TO THE HAUNTING PIANO MUSIC. STUNNED, HE WATCHES AS BOB'S ARM BEGINS TO RISE, MARKING THE BEAT! HE IS FURTHER AMAZED AS BETTY AND BOB BOTH SIT UP STRAIGHT! UNABLE TO CONTAIN HIMSELF, HE DASHES UP THE STAIRS TO THE CONSERVATORY.

HE BURSTS IN AND SHOUTS TO HIS MASTER,

"MASTER, MASTER"

WAIT FOR IT��

WAIT FOR IT��.


"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!"

Wow Groundhawg. Lol you suck.

he local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now-in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens.'

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!"

The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opened his dictionary to `panda`, ? "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Ole Fred greeted his wife every morning with a thunderous fart before getting out of bed.

Betty kept telling him, Fred some day you are going to crap your guts out straining like that and I am tired of waking up to that foul stench.

Fred didn't care as that was his way of starting the day off on the right foot.

Betty growing really tired of this devised a plan to make Fred quit.

On Thanksgiving morning Betty woke up early to begin cooking the feast. As she was removing the gibblets from the turkey she got the idea. She snuck upstairs and put the giblets in Fred's shorts. About the normal time she heard Freds morning fart. Shortly after she heard Fred let out a real anxious scream.

Barely able to contain herself she went upstairs to "check" on Fred and see what was wrong.

She entered the room and Fred was sitting up leaning against the headboard looking kinda pale.

Betty was dying inside but managed to keep a straight face. Why Fred, what is wrong!?!

Ole Fred says in a shaky voice:

Betty, after all these years you were right. When I farted I $#@! my guts out.

By the grace of God and these 2 fingers though. I got them all back in!!

Betty still hasn't stopped laughing!!

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'


'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'Auburn!'

And they say blondes are dumb....

I came home from hunting today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING,

I can't take it anymore!

Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, �See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? That's PerchJerker, he is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you�ll never forget.�

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

�Well,� PerchJerker began, �I remember back in �44, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don�t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, �ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!� � I tell you, I just [censored] my pants.�

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, �I don�t blame you, I would have [censored] my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.�

Old PerchJerker shook his head and said, �No, no, not then, just now when I said �ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!'

Texas that was BHAM FRED that went Lion hunting!

FIFY!
Ole BhamFred greeted his wife every morning with a thunderous fart before getting out of bed.

Betty kept telling him, BhamFred some day you are going to crap your guts out straining like that and I am tired of waking up to that foul stench.

BhamFred didn't care as that was his way of starting the day off on the right foot.

Betty growing really tired of this devised a plan to make BhamFred quit.

On Thanksgiving morning Betty woke up early to begin cooking the feast. As she was removing the gibblets from the turkey she got the idea. She snuck upstairs and put the giblets in BhamFred's shorts. About the normal time she heard BhamFreds morning fart. Shortly after she heard BhamFred let out a real anxious scream.

Barely able to contain herself she went upstairs to "check" on BhamFred and see what was wrong.

She entered the room and Fred was sitting up leaning against the headboard looking kinda pale.

Betty was dying inside but managed to keep a straight face. Why BhamFred, what is wrong!?!

Ole BhamFred says in a shaky voice:

Betty, after all these years you were right. When I farted I $#@! my guts out.

By the grace of God and these 2 fingers though. I got them all back in!!

Betty still hasn't stopped laughing!!

you ain't right Perch.....