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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,642 Likes: 15
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,642 Likes: 15 |
Two fireman buttfu#*ing in a smoke filled room.
Chief walks in and says, "Captain, what's going on here?"
Captain says, "Sir, this man suffers from smoke inhalation!"
Chief says, "why didn't you try mouth to mouth?"
Captain say, "I did, how do you think this sh*t got started?"
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
Two fireman buttfu#*ing in a smoke filled room.
Chief walks in and says, "Captain, what's going on here?"
Captain says, "Sir, this man suffers from smoke inhalation!"
Chief says, "why didn't you try mouth to mouth?"
Captain say, "I did, how do you think this sh*t got started?" 
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 57,498 Likes: 127
Freak of Nature
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Freak of Nature
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 57,498 Likes: 127 |
Two fireman buttfu#*ing in a smoke filled room.
Chief walks in and says, "Captain, what's going on here?"
Captain says, "Sir, this man suffers from smoke inhalation!"
Chief says, "why didn't you try mouth to mouth?"
Captain say, "I did, how do you think this sh*t got started?" Oh Damn...
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Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 21,456
Freak of Nature
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Freak of Nature
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 21,456 |
Two fireman buttfu#*ing in a smoke filled room.
Chief walks in and says, "Captain, what's going on here?"
Captain says, "Sir, this man suffers from smoke inhalation!"
Chief says, "why didn't you try mouth to mouth?"
Captain say, "I did, how do you think this sh*t got started?" 
Last edited by jmudler; 01/03/18 09:28 AM.
Isaiah 5:20 Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44 |
Al Sharpton reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been canceled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say they're damn sure they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go!
"The struggle you're in today, is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44 |
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
"The struggle you're in today, is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 12,567 Likes: 8
Doesn’t Know His Code
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Doesn’t Know His Code
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 12,567 Likes: 8 |
Andre' is walking down the street and he sees his homeboy Marcus sitting on the curb spitting in the street and mumbling.
As Andre' gets closer he hears Marcus say, that MF'er sho can drive...spit.
Andre' asks Marcus what was going on. Marcus replies with, that MF'er sho can drive...spit.
Andre' asks again and he gets the same reply.
Finally, Andre' is beyond curious as to what the hell is going on so he says, man tell me what's up.
Marcus says, Andre' you know my buddy Tyrone just got that new Camaro. He wanted me to go for a ride with him. Before I knew it we were going 125mph and when we topped the hill there was a tractor trailer sitting in the middle of the road. I said Tyrone if you get us out of this I'll suck your D&&K.
That MF'er sho can drive...spit.
IKNOWMYPHUCKINGCODEDAMMITYOUDICKHEAD!!!
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
Andre' is walking down the street and he sees his homeboy Marcus sitting on the curb spitting in the street and mumbling.
As Andre' gets closer he hears Marcus say, that MF'er sho can drive...spit.
Andre' asks Marcus what was going on. Marcus replies with, that MF'er sho can drive...spit.
Andre' asks again and he gets the same reply.
Finally, Andre' is beyond curious as to what the hell is going on so he says, man tell me what's up.
Marcus says, Andre' you know my buddy Tyrone just got that new Camaro. He wanted me to go for a ride with him. Before I knew it we were going 125mph and when we topped the hill there was a tractor trailer sitting in the middle of the road. I said Tyrone if you get us out of this I'll suck your D&&K.
That MF'er sho can drive...spit.
Oh my dayuuum
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 9,163 Likes: 44 |
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's." ''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered " Get in Line"
"The struggle you're in today, is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
An Asian guy goes to the doctor because he's having trouble seeing. The doctor runs some tests and comes back and says "you have a cataract." The Asian guy says "no I don't. I drive a rincoln continental."
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
Not a joke, but this one had me chuckling: 
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 8,459 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 8,459 Likes: 23 |
This guy goes to the dentist to get an aching tooth fixed. The dentist quickly determines that it is rotting, that it needs to be removed immediately, so he informs the patient.
The patient agrees to go ahead and have it removed and the dentist recommends that he use nitric oxide (Mr. Nose) as an anesthetic. The patient claims he is allergic to NO and asks for another suggestion. The dentist offers up Hydrocodone but the patient claims the he is a recovering opiate addict and can't use that either. After the patient refuses to take a novacaine injection the dentist gets pretty frustrated. The dentist tells the patient to hang on for a few minutes, he'll go see what else is available.
After a few minutes the dentist returns with a glass of water and a viagra tablet. The patient smiles and says he had no idea that viagra was useful in pain relief. The dentist says "It isn't but it will give you something to hold onto while I pull that tooth"
I don't want to pass quietly into the night. I want to slide in sideways kickin and screamin. Life really is awesome ... Soak it up while you can ...
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
Also, since we're on the offensive jokes - what's black and sits at the top of a staircase?
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Stephen Hawking when his house is burning down.
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 452
4 point
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4 point
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 452 |
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summon him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.
"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you okay?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summon him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.
"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you okay?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it." That's a good one and will be shared
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 8,459 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 8,459 Likes: 23 |
I don't want to pass quietly into the night. I want to slide in sideways kickin and screamin. Life really is awesome ... Soak it up while you can ...
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Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 21,456
Freak of Nature
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Freak of Nature
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 21,456 |
Here is a visual joke. Perch must have worn it out. 
Isaiah 5:20 Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
Here is a visual joke. Perch must have worn it out. You're gonna get a PM soon 
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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