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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
Heard this one the other day:
A dad decides to take his son deer hunting for the first time. When he gets his son to his stand right before daylight he tells him, �don�t move or make a sound. We�ll hunt until around 11 and I�ll come get you.� Around 7:30 a.m. his dad hears a racket and realizes it�s his son yelling and shooting his gun. Angered, he climbs down and goes to his son and says �I thought I told you not to move or make a sound?� His son replies, �I'm sorry dad. I had a bird land on my head and start pecking. I didn�t move or make a sound. Then I had a bear climb up in the tree and start breathing down my neck. I didn�t move or make a sound. Then I had 2 squirrels run up each pant leg. Still, I didn�t move or make a sound. Then I heard 1 squirrel say to the other �do you want to eat these here or take them home?� At that point I had all I could take and started screaming and shooting.
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
Nice. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday??? ...wait for it... Aye matey! 
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
Nice. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday??? ...wait for it... Aye matey!  I laughed way too hard at that
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210
Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
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Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210 |
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
Isaiah 5:20
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
What is a pirate's favorite letter? Arr???
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210
Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
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Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210 |
What is a pirate's favorite letter? Arr??? [in a pirate voice] No, 'tis the C they love!
Isaiah 5:20
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 31,681
Freak of Nature
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Freak of Nature
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 31,681 |
Stick to your day jobs. These all stink! 
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23 |
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23 |
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time
members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two a*s-holes."
"What! He had two a*s-holes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Stanley with
them two a*s-holes."
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23 |
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23
14 point
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14 point
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 8,276 Likes: 23 |
Bill Clinton was jogging around Washington D.C. He notices a pretty prostitute. She sees him and calls out..."Fifty Dollars!"...He's
tempted but calls back..."Five!" She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, Bill is jogging in the same area and sees the same prostitute. She won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" She shouts....Bill answers her....."Five" - No sale.
About a week later, Hillary decides that she wants to go jogging with Bill. They get into town and the same prostitute is there and
yells........
"See what you get for five dollars!"
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time
members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two a*s-holes."
"What! He had two a*s-holes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Stanley with
them two a*s-holes." Lol that one's good!
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,269 Likes: 8
12 point
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12 point
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,269 Likes: 8 |
Man goes on a business trip to NYC and takes his wife along.
Wife goes shopping while husband is at his meetings. That night
she complains that she couldn't get any service from the clerks
at Macy's Department Store. Husband is sympathetic and promises
to accompany her to store the next day and assures her the
service will be top notch. The next morning they arrive at Macy's
and while the wife is looking around the husband speaks to the
floor manager for several minutes.
The manager dispatches two employees who wait on the woman hand
and foot for her entire shopping trip.
Later, at the Hotel the wife cannot get details from her
husband on his conversation with the manager. "Worked out,
didn't it?" is all he will tell her.
Privately he confides to a friend later. "I told the manager my
wife was a kleptomaniac, but might respond hysterically if she
was caught. Told him if they'd watch her closely, I'd pay for
anything she stole".
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210
Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
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Impatient Stinky Britches Wearin’ Off-Roadin’ Guru
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 22,875 Likes: 210 |
husband and wife were driving home in the middle of winter when they got a flat tire. after changing the tire, the husband got back in the car and said "my hands are freezing, can I stick them between your legs to warm them up?" wife said ok, and he stuck his hands down her pants.
few days later, he was helping her bring groceries in and said "man my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" She said ok, so he again stuck his hands down her pants.
a couple of days later, they were heading out to eat and stopped to fill up with gas. husband gets back in and says "my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" The wife, exasperated, said "fine, whatever". The husband asked "whats wrong with trying to warm my hands up?" wife says "nothing, but couldn't your ears get cold once in a while?"
Isaiah 5:20
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
husband and wife were driving home in the middle of winter when they got a flat tire. after changing the tire, the husband got back in the car and said "my hands are freezing, can I stick them between your legs to warm them up?" wife said ok, and he stuck his hands down her pants.
few days later, he was helping her bring groceries in and said "man my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" She said ok, so he again stuck his hands down her pants.
a couple of days later, they were heading out to eat and stopped to fill up with gas. husband gets back in and says "my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" The wife, exasperated, said "fine, whatever". The husband asked "whats wrong with trying to warm my hands up?" wife says "nothing, but couldn't your ears get cold once in a while?" 
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
husband and wife were driving home in the middle of winter when they got a flat tire. after changing the tire, the husband got back in the car and said "my hands are freezing, can I stick them between your legs to warm them up?" wife said ok, and he stuck his hands down her pants.
few days later, he was helping her bring groceries in and said "man my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" She said ok, so he again stuck his hands down her pants.
a couple of days later, they were heading out to eat and stopped to fill up with gas. husband gets back in and says "my hands are freezing, can I put them between your legs to warm them up?" The wife, exasperated, said "fine, whatever". The husband asked "whats wrong with trying to warm my hands up?" wife says "nothing, but couldn't your ears get cold once in a while?" Yeah that one got me too.
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
I don't know what thread Perch is reading, these are pretty good.
A guy who was a big deer hunter married to a former Auburn cheerleader had been pestered for years for him to take her hunting. She begged and pleaded until he finally agreed. He took her to her stand and said if you get one fire a couple shots in the air and I�ll come help and since this is public land, don�t let anybody come along and tell you they shot the deer. About 30 minutes into the hunt, he hears a few shots ring out followed by his wife screaming at something. He runs over to her stand and finds her standing there holding a man at gun point and him yelling �it�s your deer lady it�s your deer! Just let me get the saddle of him first!�
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3
12 point
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12 point
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 5,084 Likes: 3 |
I don't know what thread Perch is reading, these are pretty good. Hell I guess I'm just easily amused but yup I agree.
Last edited by mcninja; 01/03/18 06:29 AM.
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,644 |
I don't know what thread Perch is reading, these are pretty good. Hell I guess I'm just easily amused but yup I agree. Same here.
I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There�s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts. � Ronald Reagan
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,464
10 point
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10 point
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,464 |
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. �This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.� The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, �Which do you want, son?� The boy takes the quarters and leaves. �What did I tell you?� said the barber. �That kid never learns!� Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. �Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?� The boy licked his cone and replied, �Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!�
Yeah, well, I always heard there were three kinds of suns in Kansas: sunshine, sunflowers, and sons-of-bitches.
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