I had a red-tailed boa that got a mouth full of aspen chips when he struck at a mouse. It clogged him up and we had to put him down after a few years of not eating. Anyhow, I call a exotic pet place (vet). I was setting in the engineers office for the company I worked for and my opening words to the lady on the other end of the line went like this. Yes, I have a erotic pet (not exotic pet) that has got a mouth full of aspen chips. It is a red-tailed boa. At first I didn't catch what I had said but the engineer did and he fell out laughing so had that I ended up hang up on the lady at the place and never called them back.

I am the guy that sent the dirty text to my wife that my daughter read.Enough said

When I was around 15 or 16, I got one of those summer colds that sticks with you for a while and keeps you congested as hell...one night I woke up around 2:30 or so and could not breathe...I headed to the kitchen to get some medicine to take...in our old house, when you left my room there was a hallway that went to the dining room...the kitchen was to the right, and the living room was to the left...you had a full view of the living room when you got to the end of the hall (this is important)...when I got to the end of the hallway, there on the couch was mama, and daddy was trying to tear the bearings out of it...I made a quick right turn to the kitchen and started making all kind of noise just so they would know I was there...as I was looking through the medicine cabinet, here comes daddy into the kitchen asking me if I needed any help finding anything...the only words I could get out of my mouth were "don't touch me right now"...I couldn't look either one of them in the eye for a few days after that.

Damn don't believe I would have told that

I bet you Ron White would pay you a king's ransom for that story. I dont know how I missed it the first time around but I read it today & laughed myself to tears. high five your daughter for me

Same deal at my parents house, Parents were gone and came home early when my dad opened the door I jumped up and slammed it, I thought he was trying to push his way in! I looked up and had his head caught in the door. He was not a happy camper

At least he wasn't imitating a starving Ethiopian.

Things could have always been worse I guess

lol this is true . I was their ford that one

Back when everybody was carrying Nextels and talking with two-way all the time, I would routinely let my wife get in line somewhere and loudly say into the phone "Did you fart??" I can't believe most people don't keep their phones on vibrate only. The ONLY time mine is off vibrate is during the night (in case we get an emergency call).

Or even worse: She could have been going at it like a starving ethiopian.

Back about 20 years ago me and these two ole boys I worked with all lived within 1/4 mile of each other and we were all about 21-23 years old. One of the boys, Dale, was new and me and Byron didn't know him real well. Just what we'd learned from work. Anyway, my brother lived next door to me and told me one evening that this young girl, 14 years old, that lived up the street had gotten pregnant and ran off and got married to some guy about 23 years old. At work the next day, I asked Byron and Dale if they had heard about it. Told them I couldn't remember the girl's name but said she was the cute young girl, shoulder length brown hair, etc... After describing her and going on to say that a girl that young had no business spreading her legs, and whoever was fooling with her needed shot, etc... Dale, the new guy, speaks up and informed me that was his wife. He was dead serious. Turned out he was the 23 year old she was fooling around with. Byron nearly threw up from laughing so hard while I just looked at Dale and said, "well".

it was early fall right before my 40th birthday, when my boss at the office put me in charge of the Williams merger. The Williams were steeped in tradition and ivy leauge edidcate. If I was going to close this deal it would mean relearning how to fine dine with the uppper elite. I did everything possible, I learned proper mannerisms at 5 star resturants. instead of coon hunting I studied the traditions of fox hunting on horses. Finally success was near and the Williams verbal agreed to the merger. For my 40th birthday the entire office celebrated my achiement by taking me to one of those fancy chinese buffets. I wanted to sample all of the asian seafood treasures of the orient. all of the office girls and guys were there to congratulate me. after work I was heading home to have a small party with my family when my boss called and said I needed to drop by the office to sighn the Williams contract on his desk. while heading to the office I could feel all those asian sea creatures pawing at my stomach, I knew I didn't have much time. arriving at the office I could barely get out of the car without letting my inards loose. my bosses desk was in the middle of the dark office, if I could just make it to the light switch at the back I could find the bathroom. the pain was unbearable and I knew my only hope was the garbage can in front of his desk since it was dark and I was the only one there. Immediatly upon stumbling into the can I dropped my pants down to my knees when the first explosion came as I was bending down to the can. It was instant pleasure with a nasty sweet aroma. as the cannon fired a second burst the lights came on and I heard 30 people yell "SURPRIZE". I saw the entire office staff behind the desk including my family and the WIlliams. As I straddled the small can with my junk sticking up in the air three more blast sounded. I looked in horror at the contract sitting on the desk and brown stained cake. I knew then that I did not hit the can on that first eruption. my emotions also erupted, I had feelings of shame and relief at the same time, what a way to seal the deal and go over the hill at the same time.

names and situations have been altered for secrecy and drama.

I bet the Williams were a wee bit surprised. I laughed so hard my side hurts and my eyes are wet.

This happened to a friend of mine. He had just started dating a girl and she asked him to go to church with her and her parents. So he goes to church with them. Her dad was a hardass and didn't put up with much and even less when it came to his daughter. So the dad insists that my buddy sit between him and his wife, with the girlfriend 9n the end. This is an old country church in Statesboro, GA and all the windows and doors are open because there's no AC. Anyway as church began that day my buddy noticed a dog had slipped up on the porch and was laying down scratching the back of his head with his back paw. My buddy leans over to the mom and says, 'don't you wish you could do that'? He gestures over to the dog,and when she turns to look the dog is going to town licking his junk, lmao. He said her face and his turned bright red!

His dad told me, we were pretty good friends.

Or maybe he just told everybody, he thought it was hysterical.

Scrape I'm dying hahahahaha

Bump for everybody from the be careful texting threat

Dang these are funny