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Man vs Taser #1309888
03/26/15 08:42 AM
03/26/15 08:42 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,464
Madison County
bobwallace Offline OP
10 point
bobwallace  Offline OP
10 point
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,464
Madison County
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!


Yeah, well, I always heard there were three kinds of suns in Kansas: sunshine, sunflowers, and sons-of-bitches.
Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1309925
03/26/15 09:26 AM
03/26/15 09:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 13,682
Hoover
burbank Offline
Booner
burbank  Offline
Booner
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 13,682
Hoover
LOL

Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310078
03/26/15 12:19 PM
03/26/15 12:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,729
bessemer, al
H
hunterturf Offline
14 point
hunterturf  Offline
14 point
H
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,729
bessemer, al
Hahahaha


Give me bout 15 more minutes, I was dreamin about beavers..........
Si Robertson
Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310119
03/26/15 01:18 PM
03/26/15 01:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 6,410
Elba
Farmer64 Offline
12 point
Farmer64  Offline
12 point
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 6,410
Elba
Ya cain't fix stupid rofl


American by birth Southern by the grace of God.....
Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310130
03/26/15 01:32 PM
03/26/15 01:32 PM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 8,670
NW Alabama
R
R_H_Clark Offline
Leupold Pro Staff
R_H_Clark  Offline
Leupold Pro Staff
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 8,670
NW Alabama
That was great. It reminds me of the guy who got a bullet proof vest and talked his girl friend into testing it on him with a little 380. He was sure it would stop the 380. His girl friend missed from 4 feet hitting him in the neck and killed him.

Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310132
03/26/15 01:35 PM
03/26/15 01:35 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,162
Madison County
hgmike Offline
6 point
hgmike  Offline
6 point
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,162
Madison County
Maybe he shocked some sense into himself. I think that is one time you can fix stupid.


God, Country, Corps, Family, and Alabama Football.
Re: Man vs Taser [Re: hgmike] #1310134
03/26/15 01:37 PM
03/26/15 01:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 9,877
in the corner
S
Stob Offline
14 point
Stob  Offline
14 point
S
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 9,877
in the corner
rofl

Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310396
03/26/15 04:35 PM
03/26/15 04:35 PM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 7,989
Tuscaloosa, Al, USA
Big Buck Video Offline
14 point
Big Buck Video  Offline
14 point
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 7,989
Tuscaloosa, Al, USA
LOL


�Because a well regulated Militia is necessary to
the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep
and bear Arms shall not be infringed.�

-Justice Scalia, June 26, 2008

NRA Life Member
Re: Man vs Taser [Re: bobwallace] #1310862
03/27/15 07:09 AM
03/27/15 07:09 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 3,434
Sumter County
sumpter_al Offline
10 point
sumpter_al  Offline
10 point
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 3,434
Sumter County
I have an invisible dog fence. I noticed my Australian shepherd would walk right past the boundary wire. I figured the batteries were dead. So I took collar off her and said to myself "lets check the batteries"... I had collar in my hand and proceeded to walk towards the boundary wire. I heard a soft beep and them my hand started convulsing. I thought I had been struck by lightening.

My wife just sat there laughing and called me an idiot. I did not disagree.

My dog has a much higher pain threshold that I have. I turned the power up on the collar and she now stays inside boundary.


I love my country, but don't trust my government.

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