For those of you that don't know I married into 3 step kids last year, I'm trying my best at the parenting side of it but sometimes I question myself and actions, I have 2 boys ages 5 and 7, and a girl that's 9, the youngest has ADHD and is on medication for it, he is the one that just drives me crazy, anyway to make a long story short, I'm curious how y'all discipline them as far as keeping their rooms clean? Or atleast walkable lol...the boys do fine for the most part, if I tell them to clean the room they do normally with no questions asked, the 9 yr old likes to push me and keeps her room a mess, I told her 3 days ago if she didn't clean her room the tv was gone, today I come home and the room is clean but she swindled her brothers to help her clean it........yall have to understand I dove to the deep end on the parenting deal, I'm trying my best to be patient and understand....I was raised differently, if I wa told to do something and didn't my rear got blistered, and I've been doing that but they are persistant

You are a good man for being patient, I have 2 boys (6 and 19 months) with another boy in the oven (18 weeks) I cannot give you advice on little girls. I hear they are a whole nother animal when raising. And when they get 16+ don't piss them off because they will make you pay for it ( have plenty of friends family that told me so) Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Where does their mother stand on the issues?

She is behind on me disciplining them 110%, they walk all over her, I can raise my voice a little and they go running, I feel bad because they don't mind her at all..

And she does try, I think they see her as a pushover now and ignore her, it's sad but I can come home and they start acting right

Next time they are told to do something, make it happen at that very moment. And every time after that.

Is their father still involved?

When I tell them to it does, I walked in there with my belt earlier I had there attention 100%, I was stern with them and never had to punish them, they went to bed with no questions asked, but that's the thing, I'm gone 4 days at a time and the rules aren't getting enforced like they are when I'm home, she is to soft hearted, she will tell them to get in timw out and get onto them but that's really a joke and they know it

Somewhat, he is supposed to get them every other weekend and here lately he has been doing ok, but after they go they come back with new" bad" words, he's a pos

That was the reason I asked. As long as their Dad is still around you are the step Dad and they know it. Especially the older girl. It will be a tough road for you if your wife doesn't stand up and firmly support you.

That was court ordered, my wife can't stand him, she is just doing it for the kids and I've come to accept I will always be #2 in their eyes, it's a hard pill to swallow but I have to be the bigger man, I love them kids and would do anything for them, if they grow up to hate me because of BS there dad's Fed them it will hurt but what can I do, that's the type of person he is.. I could go on and on.. I keep a roof over there heads, food on the table..every thing that pertains to raising kids is on me, and I want to do that, he won't but a 70.00 epidemic pen because he says he already has to pay there insurance.. yeah, I need to take him hunting back in a swamp

Good idea wood but that just wouldn't work, mine aren't that calm

Having your wife on the discipline train is a must, so it's good that she's with you on that. You're just gonna have to get tough, but have a plan and share it with your wife BEFORE you put the plan in action. Your girl may be 9, but that's not too old yet for her to come around to you. However, if you are letting her walk all over you and get away with things now it'll just get worse.

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Thanks for the advice

I have never been a step Parent but My wife is.
My son and Daughters Mom is similar as yours ex is. She is a jewel and goes as far as telling them that my wife is just their step Mom and will never love them like she does and they don't have to do what she says.
Many, many long arguments with my ex over that noise and it has somewhat gotten better.
What we did when my son started really disrespecting my wife was let her handle discipline every time and I acted as back up and enforcer. We had to be 100% together with no hesitation or he would pick up on it.
It has mostly worked, he still has his moments but he will atleast do what he's told with minimal back talking. He has always obeyed me to the tee with the exception of his lying streak that he went thru....mostly about school. That couple of years really tested me as a father and a non murderer.

I have always believed that a child needs consistent discipline, not constant to the point of living in fear of always doing something wrong. I've never believed that there should a long list of rules, but a few that should be addressed regularly. With those few, there are no rewards (i.e. allowance, new whatever...etc.) - but failure to follow the rules has negative consequences. Whatever those consequences are - MUST be enforced every single time a rule is broken.

I nor anyone else on this board can make recommendations on discipline; those are decisions that must be made by you and your wife while the children are present in your home. The same for when they visit their dad, whatever he does is what he does. Short of physical or mental abuse, he has the same rights to do with them what he sees fit - even if you and your wife disagree.

I would recommend you and your wife sit down with each child individually and come up with 3-things (whatever you do, don't make a page long list) that you feel they should correct. Explain to them in great detail what those 3-things are. Explain to them that they WILL correct them and if they are not, clearly explain the discipline that will be handed out - then follow through. Also, tell them 3-things that they do well and how proud you are for them doing those things (however small they may be).

I have read that it takes 66-days for a particular action to become habit (the thought used to be 21-days, but that was proved inaccurate). Normally after about 2-months a forced action, becomes automatic or second nature. That is why consistent discipline is crucial.

Exactly. Especially when the Dad is paying the insurance and doing what he is supposed to. You might not like him but he's their Dad and if he's doing right by the kids then he always will be. I'm one of those Dads. You are in a tough spot unless your wife is behind you. It doesn't matter how awesome you are if you have to be that bad guy while they are little and she won't back you on it. They might respect you for it later but right now you are screwed.

My opinion... As long as they know your wife is a pushover they will run over her. If, next time she tells one to do something and he/she doesn't do it, your wife will get up and go crazy bitch and start busting asses she can get their attention. It will only take a time or 2. If they know she isn't gonna do anything they will continue, but if they know crazy woman will tear their asses up they will calm that crap down.

As I reply to this, I sit here with my step daughter who is now 26 years old.....and hated my very existence the first 8 years. Her mother and I were never actually married but now she comes to me for advise or guidance. It's not easy to be a step parent and you will ALWAYS be wrong in someone's eyes. But once they grow up they will love and respect you for always caring about them first! I have had 5 step children out of two different relationships. I do not have all of the right answers but if you ever need to talk about it I'll help if I can. You said your wife is behind you 110%. On discipline.....She really needs to be out in front of you 150%, and if she is not as stern with them when you are not around as when you are they will always see you as the bad guy!!!! Being a step parent is the biggest challenge you will ever face....and it can be very rewarding also. My stepson's friends are always surprised to find out I'm his step father because he tells them that I'm his dad.

Can't say anything that hasn't been done by folks who know what they are talking about but I just wish you the best with it all.

You have to be back up. YOUR WIFE is in charge of her kids, not you.

You have to get it under control now before they get older. They'll appreciate it later in life.

Is your wife present when you are the one disciplining the kids? The reason I say this is that if they think Mom is a pushover when you are not around you need to put a stop to that. They do not need to see it as what you do and what she does, but what both of you will do if something is not done correctly. The longer you let that happen the worse it is going to get.

I have no advice to offer but I did send a prayer up for you. I think you are doing the most important part of the parenting role and that is trying. Those children will recognize that and truly love you for it one day. Just stay the course with them because you haven't even gotten to the tween years when hormones start kicking in. God bless you for being the man their father isn't.

Your wife is gonna have to whip some ass. End of story.

Do not take parenting advice from holywud either.

Well said, have patience and stay the course. it wont fall in place overnight. Backup mom's authority.

You may not think it now but what you are doing they will appreciate later. They may be in there 20's when it happens but it will. Do stuff with them and just them like they were your own but straighten them out when you need to.

you stepped into the same situation my step dad did 30 something years ago, I won't ever forget the 1st lesson he taught me, I used to tell mom that I would go live with dad if I didn't get my way, the first time I tried this after their marriage he said" you want me to go call him?". That stopped that. So if you are patient, firm, consistent, and loving,it may take time but you will get through to them. He and my mom are no longer married but when I think of a dad he is the one that come to mind.

I know exactly where you're at. I'm moving into a place with 4 boys that don't share my last name this weekend. Prayers sent for you...

Exactly. As long as she's a pushover, whether she realizes it or not, she's setting you up to be the asshole step dad enforcer. She can still have a soft heart and be a firm disciplinarian.

Why are there pics of Hollywoods kids posted?

He puts them in a shirt together for some reason, can't remember... to make them get along I think

Make it exciting. Give specific orders and then say I'm going to time you. Look at you watch and say "ready,set, dang my watch messed up", if you look up and you have their attention yell "GO!" It even works on some adults.

I recommend doing a little research on ADHD. This is as tough for the kid to deal with as it is for parents. Children with ADHD not only have a hard time focusing/remembering things but in their world its kind of a live for the moment thing which is why some kids hurt others and don't realize what they have done. In their mind they have done something and already moved on mentally to something else and have forgotten what was done. Kids with ADHD can also be very good at problem solving which was demonstrated by her having her brothers help her clean her room. She was doing what you said to do and if you didn't give direct instructions that 'she' cleans it without any help, then in her mind her asking for help was ok. Sometimes you have to sit back and try to relate to what a child with ADHD feels. For that kid, it's always about getting into trouble, even when they don't mean to. Things to try are, be specific in what you ask, touch her shoulder or back to get her attention when asking her to do something which will help bring her back to the moment and lastly, try to realize this child just needs extra time and help.
I think researching more on the topic would help everyone in your family...good luck!

If your wife won't stand up to her kids. GET OUT now

What KY buck said. You don't need to go anywhere. Call me if you need to.

Someone once told me getting old is not for sissies. Well guess what, being a good parent is not for sissies either. Take a big step back and regroup, I get the feeling you are not a whole lot of fun.

Being a father or step-father is tuff. My deal is simple...follow the rules and no punishment or belt. Sometimes after the belt or punishment they want speak to me for a while (weeks)....yes it hurts and tears flow in privacy. I'm not their friend, I'm there Dad (parent). Tuff love is not easy....but I can only hope it will help them in the long run of life lessons and learning right from wrong. You earn what you get in just about everything you do. The seeds you sow and how you sow...you will reap later. Good luck !